Bad pennings from minds of smart kids

By Ann Cannon
Published: Monday, Nov. 5, 2007 12:14 a.m. MST
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SO OK. Maybe we're guilty of contributing to the linguistic delinquency of minors (think of the children!) by encouraging them to participate in our annual mock Bulwer-Lytton contest (see www.bulwer-lytton.com). But if we keep getting bad sentences this good, WHO CARES? The following were gleefully written by readers 18 or younger. Big huge thanks to EVERYONE who submitted.

Fantasy

Once upon a time in a far, far away land, away from any kind of human contact, but close enough in case of a medical emergency, there lived a princess. —Randee Morris

Mystery

Inspector Baldworthy of the Wartshire Police Department used his keen ultra-sensory detective skills to examine the helpless victim bound to the chair with what seemed to be some sort of pantyhose, and then he knew this was no "accident." —Kiersten Pope

Romance

As he tried to pull himself out of the quicksand, he was inevitably reminded of the quagmire of his love life. —Brian Graham

Contemporary Realism

As Carol climbed to retrieve the paper from the roof, he began to wonder if he should increase the paperboy's monthly tip from a nickel. —Robert Gabbitas

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Literary

He took my breath away (not mine personally, but my character's, since this is a fiction novel and he didn't actually take away her breath in the sense of stealing it — it's just a figure of speech to express the fact that he made her pause). —Mandy Murphy

She slowly moved forward, her limbs jerking robotically; but she wasn't really a robot—that's just a metaphor. —Sara Daw

You're Not From Around

Here, Are You, Stranger?

They could tell he was an outsider when he asked what funeral potatoes were. —Liz Gabbitas

Words to Live By

In all my years of learning, one lesson stands supreme — that life is like a doggy biscuit: crunchy on the outside and chewy in the middle. —Eric Ashby

More Words to Live By

As he lay dying, John reflected upon his most educational experiences in his lifetime; foremost, of course, was his most recent lesson — never taunt a unicorn. —Kim Gabbitas

The (Story) Road Not Taken

If one was to look in the box in Dave's closet, one might find the answer to everything or the answer to nothing, the greatest sight or the most horrible, but this box doesn't figure prominently in the story; in fact, this story is about Dave's pet cow. —Josh Wallace

Sweepstakes

Throughout the whole entire time he trespassed without permission on Lady Gray's private property, being completely surrounded on all sides (rather than partially surrounded or even completely surrounded on three sides and partially surrounded on one) by vicious attack dogs, Roger wondered, "Did I put the toilet seat down?" —Valerie Johnson

E-mail: acannon@desnews.com

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