When adults' parents remarry ...
Seven months later, Smith's father remarried. But Smith was still grieving for her mom. "I felt lonely and isolated," she recalls.
It took awhile for Smith to stop feeling out of sync with her father and stepmother, the cheery newlyweds. Gradually, her stepmother and stepsiblings came to feel a bit more like family. Eventually, she understood how lonely her father had been in his widowhood.
Her father and stepmother have been happily married for 12 years now. And Smith is happy for them.
Over the years, as Smith talked with friends her age, she learned she was not the only one to have a parent remarry. Others in her Utah County neighborhood were in the same situation.
Smith also came to know older couples in her neighborhood, folks like Ronald and Emma Griggs. He was a widower with no children and she was a widow with five grown children when they married each other, in their 60s. Ronald died a few years ago, but Smith recalls them as delightful together. "Ron loved her children and was thrilled to be a grandpa."
Eventually, Smith did some research and learned that not much had been written about the subject of late-life marriage. She didn't find any advice about how to adapt to a new parent when you are already a parent yourself.
James Harper, the head of the School of Family Life at Brigham Young University, wrote the introduction to Smith's book. This week Harper will lead a discussion on parents' remarriage as part of the annual BYU Women's Conference.
In Utah in 2006, the most recent year for which numbers are available, 1,086 men older than 55 were married. That same year, 726 women older than 55 married.
If each bride and groom had two or three children, there would be 4,000 to 5,000 adults in this state who found themselves with a new stepparent in 2006. With luck, their family lives should be settling into a comfortable pattern just about now, Smith says.
She says it takes it usually takes two years for a new stepfamily to establish itself, to start to develop its own rituals and shared history.
Smith says there are five essentials to a peaceful stepfamily. "One is a good attitude. Two, decide who you are and be loyal to that. Be loyal to the values you were raised with.
"Three, take the initiative. We all like to be included and remembered. Those little things are what help build a friendship — calling to say hello or remembering someone's birthday or inviting them to the grandchild's soccer game.
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