Time to pucker up and kiss babies

By Frank Pignanelli & LaVarr Webb
Published: Saturday, Sept. 11, 2004 11:47 p.m. MDT
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Pignanelli and Webb: With Labor Day behind us, the election season is in full swing. Any pleasure you derive from television, radio and newspapers will be rudely interrupted by political propaganda. Those candidates who have to date avoided the dirty business of campaigning (otherwise known as Utah Republicans), have no choice but to pucker up and start kissing babies. Other candidates who have been working all summer trying to convince voters that political balance is a legitimate concern (we call them Utah Democrats) will need to focus on real issues — i.e. they are relevant. Also, our professional antennae are signaling that Utahns may have an actual sighting of the gubernatorial candidates this month.

All the blathering and speechifying by politicians can be confusing. As a public service to our readers, we are providing a translation guide to understand what candidates really mean.

"If elected, I will serve no more than two terms!" (This is a cheap promise everyone expects me to break anyway, which I will do 10 nanoseconds after the election.)

"I will never raise taxes!" (But I never said anything about revenue enhancements, income bracketing and fee adjustments.)

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"Our children deserve a quality education and a good job in a clean environment without fear of criminal activity, while maintaining a sense of community." (See, I can cram into one sentence all of the issues the focus groups mentioned.)

"I am here at your doorstep to listen to your concerns firsthand." (You don't want me bothering you and I certainly do not want to be here, so let's make this painless — take the brochure and don't ask any questions.)

"I am not beholden to special interests!" (This is a pre-emptive action on my part since I've been taking their money for the past 22 months.)

"The pressing demands of my elected position limit my participation in debates." (I am too lazy and egotistical to defend my record in public.)

"I am steadfast in my defense of family values and the Constitution." (I lack substance and any knowledge of the issues.)

"I don't care how you vote, as long as you vote." (Please be impressed with my statesmanlike posturing, no matter how insincere.)

"I'm looking forward to an invigorating campaign!" (Long sigh . . . I have to face another election!? Can't they just give it to me this time?)

"In no way do I condone or am I affiliated with the activities of Mayor—————————— (Republicans insert Nancy Workman; Democrats insert Rocky Anderson.)" (Please, please, please do not associate me with this political albatross.)

"As an open-minded official, I enjoy bipartisan respect." (At least those jerks on the other side of the aisle say hello before snarling at me.)

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