'Valentine' admits it's a cheesy, horror flick

VALENTINE — ** — Marley Shelton, David Boreanaz, Denise Richards, Katherine Heigl, Jessica Capshaw, Jessica Cauffiel, Daniel Cosgrove; rated R (violence, gore, sex, profanity); Carmike 12 and Ritz 15 Theaters; Century Theatres 16; Cinemark Jordan Landing Theaters; Gateway 8 Cinemas; Loews Cineplex Trolley Corners Cinemas; Megaplex 17 at Jordan Commons.

"Valentine" isn't nearly as horrible as the ads would suggest. That's not to say the movie's good, either.

Simply put, it is what it is. It knows it's a cheesy horror flick and it doesn't try to be anything more. It doesn't take itself too seriously.

And unlike the spate of teen slasher movies and spoofs in recent years, it doesn't have its tongue in cheek or a perfectly made-up eye winking at the camera.

More importantly, it gives the people what they want: Laugh-out-loud cheap scares. Gross-out gore. And did we mention a bikini-clad Denise Richards, sipping champagne in a hot tub?

Richards plays one of a group of young women who grew up together — all gorgeous, all wearing tight tank tops — who are the target of a serial killer.

Paige (Richards) is the sex kitten. Kate (Marley Shelton) is sweet and perky. Lily (Jessica Cauffiel) is the funny one. Dorothy (Jessica Capshaw, daughter of Kate) was plump and insecure but since has blossomed.

They (and a leering police detective) suspect the killer is a nerdy kid they knew from junior high school, whom they consistently rejected and teased at dances. Their cruel treatment of him apparently scarred him for life, and now he sends evil, handmade Valentine's Day cards before picking them off one by one.

Lots of red herrings are thrown our way. Could the killer actually be Adam (David Boreanaz of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" and "Angel"), Kate's ex-boyfriend and a recovering alcoholic journalist? Could it be Campbell (Daniel Cosgrove, Kelly's lawyer love interest on "Beverly Hills, 90210"), a good-looking guy who's staying at Dorothy's family's mansion while he gets his Internet start-up going?

Who cares, really? Just shut your brain off and go with it. Trying to pick apart the inconsistencies is a waste of energy.

"Valentine" is the kind of mindless movie you rent with friends, just to yell at the screen and laugh at how stupid it is. Bad things happen to dumb people. You see them coming a mile away.

"Valentine" is rated R for violence, gore, sex, profanity. Running time: 95 minutes.