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Hey, Woody, sticks and stones may break our bones ..
By Doug Robinson
Deseret News columnist
Did you see the column that Denver Post sports columnist Woody Paige wrote earlier this week that had all of Utah in an uproar?
If you missed it, you're too late. By Wednesday morning — 24 hours after it appeared — the column had vanished from the Denver Post Web site, as if it never happened.
For a writer, it's never a good sign when your work has the shelf life of cheese. In the newspaper world, banishing a column into oblivion is pretty much new territory.
For those who missed it, the title of Paige's column could have been: Woody Has a Bad, Bad Day. Or, Woody Gets Really Upset. Paige's column was a cliche festival of gripes with the usual cracks about polygamy, Jell-O, Mormons, alcohol, coffee, caffeine, the bid scandal, blah, blah, blah. (Note to out-of-towners: If you're going to rip us, please, be original.)
Let's see, he also managed to complain about his hotel room, the shower curtain, the TV, the phone, the breakfast buffet, maid service, bus service and Olympic volunteers.
Still no word about the complimentary shower cap.
Where did this come from? We were having a nice little Olympic Games — good weather, few traffic problems, great competition — and then Paige breaks out with the I-Hate-Everything column.
Could it be an old grudge? Paige and Salt Lake go way back. After watching the Denver Nuggets take a 2-0 series lead over the Utah Jazz in the 1984 playoffs, Paige wrote that "the Jazz have no heart. Stick a fork in them. They're done." His comments offended Jazz fans but also galvanized them. They turned out en masse with signs and T-shirts that said, "Jazz have heart." The Jazz won the series.
Possibly, Paige has been nursing an old wound all these years. Too childish, you're thinking? You didn't read Paige's column, did you? He went way over the top, unless you like a little hatred and meanness with your Olympics.
Maybe it's a case of sour grapes. Denver won the bid to host the 1976 Olympic Games — and then voted to give them back. Now Denver is looking over the Rockies and seeing what they missed.
To its credit, the Denver Post was backpedaling faster than Deion Sanders on Wednesday. Sports editor Kevin Dale replied to one complaint about the slurs against Mormons with the following e-mail: "We agree that it was inappropriate and should not have been published. . . . There should not be a double standard toward Mormons."
Translation: The paper is on Utah's side. Paige is supposedly writing an apology column for today's edition. He also called the Deseret News Wednesday to apologize.
Just one question: How did the column get in the paper in the first place? Were editors out of the office on a Jell-O break (ha, ha, ha, ha!)? Writing a 1,000-word column does not exactly fall into the same category as, say, letting a profanity slip out in the heat of the moment. It takes several hours to write, edit, lay out and slap a headline on it.
Paige's diatribe somehow didn't raise any eyebrows back at the paper. Apparently, we missed the memo that said it's acceptable to make fun of Mormons even in this hypersensitive climate of political correctness. From the lighthearted banter of Leno and Letterman to the sheer hate of Paige, the word is out: Mormons are fair game. You can say things about Mormons that you could never say about (fill in the name of the religious or ethnic group).
Paige wrote about Mormons who "force you to take a religious brochure at every street corner." Here's a tip, Woody: Those aren't Mormons, those are anti-Mormons. Next time read the big words after you look at the pictures.
Paige wrote that Mormons compel you to eat green Jell-O and dine at A&W. Guf-faw! Guf-faw! My advice: If you're going to try to be funny, be funny.
Paige wrote that Utahns "marry three of your mother's cousins." Correction: It's more like four or five.
Paige ripped Utahns about their liquor laws and the state's non-drinking environment. Yes, and Utahns are so sorry that they don't drink or smoke and rank 49th in the United States in death rate.
Paige griped that the Mormon Tabernacle Choir was part of the opening ceremonies and that the torch relay stopped for church President Gordon B. Hinckley. Translation: How dare Mormons and Utahns take part in an Olympic Games held in their own yard.
Just one more note to Paige: Hope the hotel fixed the shower curtain.
Doug Robinson's column runs daily through the Games. You can e-mail him at drob@desnews.com.
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February 14, 2002
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