Better uses for old papers than just lining birdcages

You have read every line, savored every word, absorbed each delectable phrase and committed even the smallest tidbit to memory.
You are now one of the most informed, and entertained, people you know.
But the best part of your day, reading the Deseret News, has come and gone. You feel a slight depression coming on. But you remind yourself tomorrow is another day, and your heart flutters in anticipation of the next fact-filled edition of the Deseret News.
Now, however, you face a challenge: What to do with that 2½ pound pile of newsprint. (The actual weight of your paper may vary.)
Not every edition of the Deseret News can be prominently displayed on your mantel, dipped in bronze and placed in your trophy case or sealed in a time capsule and preserved for future generations, although you're welcome to try.

Fold a hat (99k)

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Sure, you could use your Deseret News to line your bird cage, train your puppy or send a ransom note. But we cannot, in good conscience, recommend these less savory uses of our award-winning product.
"With a little bit of ingenuity, you can have a lot of fun with newspapers," offered Wade Bitner, horticulturist for the Salt Lake County office of the Utah State University extension service.
Terry Hughes, warehouse manager for BFI, estimates 60 percent of newspapers delivered in the Salt Lake Valley end up at one of four major recycling centers where they are sorted and shipped to West Coast newsprint mills. There, they are turned into egg cartons, insulation, napkins, newsprint and other items.
Hughes acknowledged, sadly, that most of the other 40 percent of local newspapers end up in landfills. In an effort, to prevent this occurrence, we offer this officially sanctioned (by this reporter, anyway) list of ways to reuse your previously viewed Deseret News:

Gift wrap. No matter how expensive, the best wrapping paper on the market does not give the five-day weather outlook and last night's Jazz score. Be careful, though. Some people may mistake the Deseret News wrapping as the present and throw away whatever was inside.

Packing and storage. The Deseret News is capable of cushioning all kinds of breakables. And think how much fun it will be for your relatives in Vermont to read the paper after receiving that lovely framed picture of yourself — or how much you'll enjoy reading it 20 years from now when you finally unpack that porcelain dairy cow napkin-holder they sent in return.

Mulch. The Deseret News is garden-friendly. Sections of the paper can be layered around vegetable plants to cool the soil and keep weeds from coming through. This also gives you something to read while your neighbor babbles about his prize tomatoes.

Compost. Mixed with other biodegradeables, the Deseret News can help reinvigorate your soil. Shredded and decomposed Lee Benson columns work particularly well.

Make a hat. Fold here, tuck there and your Deseret News instantly becomes an attractive and well-written headpiece. It's fun for the whole family.

Start a fire. If you have a wood-burning stove, chances are this is how you recycle the Deseret News. Great for camping, too, but be sure to observe fire safety rules and common sense. And of course, make sure you've read each page before burning.

Start the grill. Wish you could ignite those charcoal briquettes without lighter fluid? You can with a charcoal starter, priced between $15 and $30. Newspaper is burned in the bottom of the cylinder and the briquettes can be transferred to a grill or Dutch oven in 15 minutes or less.

Silly Putty competitions. Invite all the neighborhood kids. Who can lift up the best Wizard of Id? Who can stretch Spider-Man the most?

Paper airplanes. Add a paper clip or two for nose-cone stabilization and you're ready for a backyard air show.

Worm food. Spread a half-inch thick layer of shredded Deseret News clippings on top of a 4- to 6-inch bed of soil. Red worms in particular enjoy eating newsprint, but night crawlers also favor a tasty business or religion section now and then.

Snail bait. Roll it back up and place your Deseret News, or more than one, in your garden. "Slugs and snails will crawl in the newspaper or underneath and hang on onto it during the daytime because they have to have shelter," Bitner said. "Then pick up the newspaper and put it in the garbage. Newspaper is a very effective collector."

Insect swatter. Rolled or folded over, the News can be an excellent tool for eliminating flies, bees, mosquitoes, ants, spiders and other bothersome pests. Not recommended for door-to-door salesmen.

Oven cleaner. Dutch ovens, that is. Newspapers work for oiling Dutch ovens, too. "Newspapers are very clean and sterile, essentially," Bitner said.

Window cleaner. Add a little Windex, homemade solution or other cleaner and wipe away. "It doesn't seem to leave ink," Bitner reported.

E-MAIL: zman@desnews.com

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